丧尸狗

写在前面

因为咕咕了所以只有一个章节,我真的因为这篇学到了很多吉儿的说法。个站最好的就是可以随意开黄腔了对吧?反正也没人看也没人理哈哈哈,理我了我也看不到的,没设提醒。

第一章

IT WAS so hot you could stick a chicken in the trunk of your car and two hours later it would be parboiled to perfection. I would have passed out from the heat, but the mere thought of having to pick myself up off the ground later was too much to bear. A few moments before, I had peeled off my shirt. Now I was seriously considering ripping off my baggy cargo shorts too. Sweat burned my eyes. I took a moment to wipe my brow with a sodden forearm, which did no good whatsoever. With a monumental sigh, I took a firmer grip on the shovel and proceeded to dig the goddamn grave a little deeper.

天气太热了——如果把活鸡放进车的后备箱,两小时后它就能熟透。我总觉得我会因为这样的高温昏倒,但仅仅是想一想之后得自己从地上爬起来就让我感到精神受创。几分钟以前,我扒下了衬衫。而现在,我正认真地考虑把工装短裤也脱掉。汗水灼烧着我的眼睛。我用湿漉漉的手臂擦了额头,理所当然的一点作用也没起到。深呼吸一口气,我握紧了铲子,把那该死的坟墓挖得更深。

And while I was at it, I thought I might as well make the hole a bit longer too. The last visitor who’d discovered our little corner of paradise had been a tall sucker. He had probably been a real hunk back in the good old days. Not now, of course. Now he was just ugly. And tall and beefy and smelly and cranky and harder to kill because of his size. Just my luck. If left to rot beside the front porch where I had knocked his brains out earlier with a claw hammer, he would have stunk up the place in no time flat. Especially in this heat.

我想过也许可以把这个洞穴挖的更长一些。我们天堂般的安乐窝的上一个访客是个高个儿家伙。在过去他也许是个真正的帅哥,但现在显然不是,现在他只是个丑东西。他高大、肥胖、难闻、恶心而且因为他的身高而极其难搞。我杀死他只是因为足够幸运。我在前廊用羊角锤把他的脑浆砸了出来。如果放着他这滩东西不管,显然会让整个地方都立即发臭,尤其是在这种高温下。

I don’t know why we couldn’t have our lives threatened by a nice midget now and then. Or a third-grader. Or maybe some feeble ninety-two-year-old grandmother with a walker. But no. All our homicidal visitors looked like lumberjacks. Even the girly visitors were brawny and mean. Back before the world went to shit, those girly visitors must have been cranky motorcycle chicks with leather boots and spiky hairdos, who never got laid because they were just too damned ugly, which I suppose would go a long way toward explaining their nasty attitudes now that they were, for all intents and purposes, as dead as mackerels.

我不知道为什么我们时不时面临的生命威胁不能是一个可爱的小矮人,或者一个三年级小学生,又或者某个带着助步器的92岁的老祖母。但事与愿违,所有那些杀人访客都强壮得像伐木工人。即使是看起来曾是女性的那些访客也孔武有力。在整个世界变成一坨屎之前,这些女孩儿们一定都是那种穿着皮靴留着爆炸头的古怪的机车女,因为太丑从没跟人上过床。我想这在很大程度上可以解释她们现在的恶劣态度,她们不管在什么意图和目的还是什么上,都死得和鲭鱼一样死。

I use the word “visitors” loosely, you understand. It’s just I have a real hard time admitting, even now, after the past two months of dealing with them, that what I had just banged on the head with a hammer on the front porch—rather like driving home a railroad spike—and was now trying to bury underneath the front lawn before it started to reek to high heaven, was actually a fucking zombie. One of thousands. Maybe millions. In the city. In the country. In the world. Yep. You heard me. Zombies. Just like in those annoying old horror movies. Only now they had climbed down off the silver screen and were trying to kill us in real life. And that was really annoying, don’t think it wasn’t.

你知道,我用“访客”这个词其实不太严谨。即使是已经和他们打了两个月交道的现在,我还是很难承认,那位刚刚在前廊被我用锤子敲碎脑壳的(手感像是猛扎了根铁路道钉进去),在开始臭气熏天之前被我试图埋在前面草坪下面的,实际上就是该死的丧尸。他是成千上万的丧尸中的一个。他们在城市里,在乡村中,在整个世界出现。没错,就像你听到的这样,他们是丧尸,就像那些烦人的老式恐怖片里说的一样。直到现在他们才从银幕上爬下来,想在现实中杀死我们。而这的的确确很烦人,别不以为然。

Actually, when I use the word “zombies” to describe these murderous poopheads, it is more of a euphemism than anything else. They aren’t real zombies, you understand. They didn’t claw their way up out of the grave. And they don’t infect you when they bite you either. The world hasn’t gone that screwy. No, these are just people. Sort of. People who used to be our friends and neighbors. Like the guy down the street who mows his grass every Saturday whether it needs it or not, or the florist on the corner who always waves hello when you walk by, or your kid’s first-grade teacher who says she’s sorry she stood your kid in a corner for two hours but good lord that kid’s annoying. People like that. Just ordinary people. But now, of course—well, now, they’re something else.

事实上,当我用“丧尸”这个词语去描述他们的时候,已经非常委婉了。他们并不是严格意义上的僵尸,他们并不是从坟墓里爬出来的,他们咬你的时候也不会让你被传染。世界还没有变得那么糟糕。他们某种程度上来说还是普通人。那些曾是你的朋友或者邻居的普通人。就像街尽头住的那个不管是否有必要都在每周六固定修剪草坪的家伙,或者是街角花店里那个每次你经过都跟你挥手打招呼的老板,又或者是你孩子在一年级时的老师——她曾经为了罚你的小孩在墙角面壁两个小时而向你道歉,但是天知道那小子真的很烦人。他们就是这样的人,这样的普通平常的人。只是当然,现如今,他们已经成为了别的什么东西。

I should also add that when I use the word “dead” to describe these creatures, that is pretty much a euphemism too. Don’t ask me what it’s a euphemism for. Because these guys sure as hell aren’t alive. They just aren’t quite dead either.

我还得加一句,当我用“死”这个词去描述这些生物的时候,还是一个很委婉的说法。别问我这哪里委婉了。因为这些家伙确定肯定一定是死了,但也没有死得那么彻底。

But boy, are they mean. And driven. We assume they’re trying to kill us so they can eat us, but thank God that theory hasn’t been tested yet. If I could have my druthers, I’d rather not test it.

我们预设他们想要杀了我们吃,但是谢天谢地,这个假说目前还没有被验证。如果我还有选择,我就选不去亲身验证它。

I suppose I should introduce myself. My name is Charlie Pickett. That good looking guy lying over there in the hammock, as naked as a jaybird and acting like he’s asleep, is Bobby. Bobby Greene. Bobby’s my lover. We’ve been lovers for about three years now. And a happy three years it was, too, until a couple of months ago when the zombies started showing up.

我想我还做一下自我介绍。我叫 Charlie Pickett。那个光着身子躺在吊床上装睡的帅哥叫Bobby,Bobby Greene。他是我爱人,我们的稳定快乐的恋情保持了三年,直到几个月前丧尸开始出现。

And it isn’t only zombie people Bobby and I have to worry about now. When I say the world went to shit, I mean the whole planet. Now there are zombie bugs and zombie Chihuahuas and zombie grizzly bears and zombie cows and zombies of every size and shape and species imaginable. And if that isn’t enough, we have to deal with the screwy weather. One day it’s freezing, the next day it’s a scorcher, the day after is one continuous lightning storm, and the day after that there’s a tornado whizzing past your head. Jeez, you never know how to dress in the morning. Or what will be trying to kill you before the day is over.

现在,我们要担心的当然不仅仅只有丧尸人。当我说整个世界变成了一坨屎的时候,我指的是整个星球。现在出现的除了丧尸人以外,还有丧尸虫子、丧尸吉娃娃、丧尸熊、丧尸奶牛等等各种你能想象的大小形状和物种的丧尸。如果你觉得这还不够,我们还得对抗糟透了的天气。第一天极寒,第二天就会极热,再接下来是一整天的雷暴,然后紧跟着又是一天有龙卷风从你脑袋上方掠过。你永远无法知晓明天早上该穿多厚的衣服,或者是什么会在今天结束前试图弄死你。

I suppose you’re wondering why Bobby and I aren’t zombies ourselves. Well now, there you have me. Bobby and I have talked this over countless times in the past two months. It seems to us that if God was going to push the reset button and start all over from scratch to repopulate the world with people a little more in line with His own sensibilities—in other words, nice people, as opposed to the bungholes and politicians he had been filling it up with lately—to our way of thinking, surely God would plan ahead and not try to repopulate the joint with a couple of gay guys like me and Bobby. You see what I’m saying? Admittedly, we’re nice enough and all that, but there’s not much chance of building up a new world order with homosexuals, seeing as how homosexuals can’t breed. Not with each other, at any rate. Although, God knows we try often enough.

我猜你很好奇,为什么Bobby和我自己还不是丧尸。好,我来告诉你们。在过去的两个月,我和Bobby已经就这个话题讨论了无数次。在我们看来,似乎上帝在决定摁下重置键选择重构世界,让世人更符合他的喜好——也就是说让好人充满世界,而不是如今的这批烂人和政客时,一定会提前算好,我和Bobby这样的同性恋人群排除在外。你懂了吗?不得不承认的是,虽然我们都是足够好的人,但建立新世界的秩序没可能通过我们这样的同性恋来做,我们是无法繁衍后代的,至少我们俩不能。尽管,天知道我们尝试的足够频繁了。

Plus, as far as we know, Bobby and I are the only two people left standing. We are, in toto, the only non-zombie beings we have seen. Can you believe that? We used to be known as gay people, Bobby and I, but now I guess we’re just people. Or survivors. Or remnants of a civilization. I don’t much care for the sound of that. Anyway, there’s not much need for labels when it’s just you and your lover and a couple of million zombies running around.

再加上,据我们所知,Bobby和我是仅存的两个未丧尸化的人类,也是我们所见到的仅存的非丧尸的生物。你敢相信吗?过去大家叫我们同性恋,而现在我们就能直接被称为人类,或者说被称为幸存者,又或者叫文明的残骸也行。我不太在乎具体的名称。不管怎么说,当这个世界仅剩下你和你的爱人,你们周围还上百万的丧尸在漫游的时候,给自己打标签就真的没有什么必要。

Here’s what happened.

现在来说说之前发生了什么。

A couple of months ago, we woke up one morning in each other’s arms, just like we normally do. Bobby and I have always been snuggly sleepers. We were jarred awake by the screeching of a car alarm outside our two-bedroom San Diego apartment. That car alarm just went on and on and on. Finally, after an exasperating twenty minutes of trying to stuff our pillows in our ears, we tugged on some clothes and stumbled outside to investigate. And lo and behold, that’s when we discovered we were the only two people left. Anywhere. The streets were empty. No hum of traffic or lawn mowers, no rumbling of skateboards, no distant thumping of car radios pounding out rap or golden oldies. Nothing.

几个月前的一个早上,我们像往常一样在对方的臂弯里醒来。Bobby和我一向都是深睡眠者。但这一次我们是被惊醒的。我们当时在圣地亚哥一个两居室的公寓里,门外有个汽车警报器持续响个不停。大概有二十分钟我们都在愤怒中徒劳地用枕头捂住耳朵,但最后我们还是披上了衣服,跌跌撞撞走出门去了解情况。也就是在那时,我们发现自己成了被留下的两个人。街道是空的,没有车流和割草机的轰鸣,没有滑板的声音,没有远处车载收音机播放的rap或是劲舞金曲的鼓点声。任何地方都空无一人。

And while we were standing on the street corner rubbing our eyes and wondering where everybody had gone, the power went out. What was silent before, except for that damned car alarm screeching across the neighborhood, had become dead silent. Stone silent. And then, five seconds after the power went out, the car alarm stopped screaming.

当我们傻站在街角,揉着眼睛思考问什么所有人都走了的时候,停电了。之前就安静着的,除了邻居家那该死的汽车警报器以外的那些,仍然一片死寂,像石头一样默然无声。接着,大概五秒钟后,随着电池被耗尽,汽车警报声也停止了。

We’ve not heard another sound since that moment from another living soul that we did not make ourselves.

从那以后,我们再也没有听到另一个除我们以外的生灵发出的声响。

There had been some talk about massive sunspots before the day of the car alarm, but we’re not sure if that was the cause for everyone disappearing or not. Don’t see how it could be, really. Suffice it to say, they were simply gone. Vanished. Every single person, everywhere. And no bodies were left behind.

在那天以前,我们听过有人谈起突然增多的太阳黑子,但我们并不确定这是否就是所有人消失的原因。我们真的不知道怎么会这样。可以说他们只是走了、消失了。每一个人,在每一个地方的每一个人。而他们没有留下任何尸体。

Bobby and I were alone. And with no electricity, no TV, no radio, no telephones, no traffic noises, no milling throngs of humanity rushing off to work on that eerie Tuesday morning, the silence was absolutely deafening. And creepy.

Bobby和我只有彼此。在那个离奇的周二,没有电力,没有电视、收音机、电话,没有交通的噪声,也没有一大群人匆忙赶着去工作的声音。那诡异的寂静震耳欲聋,令人不寒而栗。

But enough about God unplugging and depopulating the world.

但是关于上帝重启或者说毁灭世界的假说就到此为止吧。

In the meantime, the goddamn grave still needed digging, and since it was my turn to dig and bury and Bobby’s turn to nap and look sexy, here I was still slaving away with the blasted shovel and occasionally leering at Bobby’s gorgeous nakedness over there in the hammock. He knew I was watching too. He had his strong, bare legs splayed wide and an arm dangling over the side of the hammock, exposing one beautiful fuzzy armpit and a neatly muscled bicep. He was trailing his fingers back and forth in the grass as he lazily swung there in the nonexistent breeze. Every now and then, I was almost sure I could see one of Bobby’s eyes peek open just to make sure I was watching. When he thought I might be, he nonchalantly readjusted his dick as if by accident. But it was no accident. And if he didn’t stop it soon, I was going to start mistaking the shovel handle for my own dick. One was getting to be just about as hard as the other, if you get my drift, and since it isn’t exactly rocket science, I’m sure you do.

与此同时,这个该死的坟墓还是需要继续挖掘。既然轮到我挖和埋,那么Bobby只需要打盹和看起来性感。我用着该死的铲子埋头苦干,只是偶尔才淫笑着看几眼Bobby在吊床上的绝美裸体。他当然知道我在看他。他光裸的强壮的双腿张开着,一只手臂空悬在吊床的一边,露出毛绒绒的漂亮腋窝和肌肉分明的手臂。他在不存在的微风里懒洋洋地晃来荡去,手指来来回回在草地上划着。时不时的,我几乎可以肯定,我看到他偷偷睁开一只眼睛好确定我在看他。在他觉得我也许在看的时候,他漫不经心地调整了一下他的阴茎的位置并假装只是一个意外。但这当然不是一个意外。如果他不赶快停下来,我大概就要开始把铲子把误认为是自己的老二了。它们很快就会一样硬,如果你明白我的意思,这又不是什么火箭科学,我知道你懂的。

It was late afternoon. Maybe four o’clock or so. Since it was summer, and this was California, the sun was still high in the sky. High and hot. Hotter than usual, of course, since the world had taken a screwy turn for the worse as far as weather went too. I figure the temperature was at about 110. It was humid as hell because two days ago it was snowing. That’s right. Snowing. In San Diego. And as of this morning, the blazing sun began turning that snow into steam. For a while you could actually hear it sizzling on the street like bacon grease popping in a red-hot skillet. Digging the grave, and simmering in my own juices, I was starting to feel like that parboiled chicken I mentioned earlier.

到了下午晚点的时候,大概四点钟左右。一如往昔的夏天的加利福尼亚,太阳仍旧高悬在天上。高,而且热,比一般情况下还要热。当然,世界就和天气一样,已经变得越来越糟糕了。我估计温度是110度左右。两天前的降雪带来了地狱般的潮湿。没错,下雪,在圣地亚哥。而从今天早上开始,炽热的太阳迅速把雪融成了蒸汽。有一阵子你真的能听到地上的雪像热锅上的培根爆出油时一样嘶嘶作响。挖着坟墓,被自己的汗水蒸煮着,我开始觉得自己就是开始提过的那只半熟鸡。

Bobby had a full-fledged hard-on now. He was watching me from the hammock and idly stroking himself at the same time, one hand gripping his cock, the other hand tucked behind his head. He was smiling, no longer feigning sleep. Now he just looked mischievous. God, he was gorgeous.

现在Bobby完全硬了。他在吊床上看着我,懒洋洋地自慰。他的一只手握在阴茎上,另一只手垫在后脑勺下。他笑眯眯的,不再假装睡着。看上去带着点恶意的促狭。他实在是太美了。

“Need some help?” he called out.

“需要帮助吗?”他大声问道。

“No,” I said, rubbing my own crotch now. I loosened my belt and eased my shorts down past my knees, watching Bobby all the while I did it just to see what his reaction would be. The open air felt wonderful rustling the hair on my balls, almost like one of Bobby’s gentle caresses. Or the way it felt when he nuzzled me there with his nose. “But it looks like you might need some assistance,” I added with a smile.

“不用,”我一边回答一边揉着自己的裆下。我松开腰带,短裤松松垮垮挂在膝盖,做着的时候一直看着他,我想知道他对此会做什么反应。户外的空气拂过睾丸上的毛,那感觉好极了,几乎就是Bobby温柔的爱抚,也像是他在用鼻子摩挲那里。“但看起来你那里可能需要一些帮助,”我笑着补充。

I gave my thickening dick a good shake and a nice long stroke, just to make it stand up proud. Bobby whistled softly. “Bring that over here into the shade where I can get at it,” he said.

我使劲撸了几下,好让欲望骄傲地升起来。Bobby轻轻吹了声口哨。“把它带到这边阴凉一点的地方我好够得着,”他说。

Then I managed to get a grip on something besides myself. Namely, the situation. I reluctantly tugged my shorts back up and tucked Charlie Junior away for another time. Charlie Junior wasn’t happy about it either, I don’t mind telling you. Neither was I.

然后我勉强抓住了自己以外的东西。也就是说,现在的事态。我灰心丧气地把短裤拉了起来,又再一次把小查理塞好。小查理对此表示不满,而我不介意告诉你,我也一样。

“Let me get this Neanderthal underground first. He’s already starting to stink up the place.”

“让我先把这个尼安德特人弄到地下。他已经开始熏臭这个地方了。”

Bobby gave a monumental sigh and dropped his dick too. Being the gentleman that he is, he hauled his ass up out of that hammock and came over to help. He was still stark naked, of course, and he was still a beauty to look at, don’t think he wasn’t, but to be honest, I didn’t mind putting off sex for a while if it meant I would get some help planting this latest visitor. I did take a moment to bend over and give Bobby’s boner a gentle squeeze and a kiss on the top of its firm little head, just by way of saying hello. The crystal drop of precome glistening there tasted delicious. Bobby heaved up a pretty big moan of discontent when I stopped what I was doing, but it was planting season, dammit. There was work to be done. So after we got the sex out of our heads, we went back to grave digging.

Bobby叹了口气,也放下了他的阴茎。作为一个绅士,他从吊床上抬起屁股,走过来帮我的忙。他仍然赤裸着身体,当然,那看起来很美,别以为他不是,但说实话,我并不介意推迟一段时间再做爱——如果这意味着在安排访客这件事上我能得到帮助。我的确花了一点点时间,弯腰轻轻捏了捏小Bobby,在它硬硬的顶端上吻了一下,但只是通过这个打声招呼。顶端渗出的晶莹闪光的一滴味道好极了,当我停下的时候,Bobby发出了相当大的一声不满的呻吟。但该死的我们还有活儿要干。所以当我们终于把性这回事抛出脑海,我们又回去挖坟墓了。

After ten minutes of shoveling and sweating and bitching about the heat, our hard-ons were history.

经过了十分钟的挥汗如雨和咒骂,我们的工作终于告一段落。

When the grave was at a satisfactory depth and width and length, we each took a leg of you-know-who, dragged our visitor to the edge of the hole, and with our naked feet, tipped the bastard in. He landed flat on his back with a thud that sounded pretty doggone eternal, if you know what I mean. Yessir. He was home for good. The creep.

当这个坟墓终于有了我们满意的深度、宽度和长度,我们一人拖住了你知道的那个“人”的一只脚,把这位访客拖到了洞穴的一边。我们光着脚,把这个混蛋扔了进去。他砰的一声背部着地,听上去到达了永恒。是的,那个怪物,他永远地回到家了。

It took Bobby and me another thirty minutes to cover the guy up. When we were finished, we were just about done in. We flung our shovels across the lawn and headed for the backyard of this magnificent San Diego property we’d commandeered a few weeks earlier, and which must have cost several mil back in the days when that stuff mattered.

我们又多花了三十分钟把这个家伙埋好。当我们快要结束的时候,我们把铁锹扔到草坪上,朝着几周前我们征用的这个宏伟的圣地亚哥庄园的后院走去。在还能用金钱衡量物价的过去,这个庄园起码值好几百万。

Behind the mansion was an Olympic-size pool. Since Bobby was still naked, all I had to do was drop my cargo shorts to put myself in the same condition, and hand-in-hand, we cannonballed into the deep end of the pool with a humongous splash. The water was damn near hot from the sun, but still it felt fabulous.

宅第后面是一个奥运会标准尺寸的泳池。Bobby仍然是全裸的,我所要做的就只有脱下短裤,让自己处于和他一样的状态,然后手拉手,像炮弹一样冲进泳池的最深处,激起巨大的水花。水被太阳晒得滚烫,但还是感觉好极了。

For the first time that day, I came to the conclusion that maybe I wouldn’t really die of heatstroke, after all.

在那时,我才得出结论,自己大概不会真的死于中暑。

The pool had not been cleaned for quite a while, since there was no longer electricity anywhere in the city, or pool boys either, for that matter. Not live ones, anyway. As I floated there in the still water, splashing leaves away from my face, Bobby swam up behind me and pulled me into his arms. He nibbled at the back of my neck while his hands reached around to stroke my stomach. His fingers traveled a wee bit south and twiddled with my pubic hair as I tilted my head back to nuzzle his cheek.

泳池显然很久没被清理了,城市里各处早已经停电,这里当然也不再存在清扫工——至少是活的那些。我在静水里漂浮着,叶子在我脸边分开,Bobby游到我身后,把我拉到了他怀里。他轻吻我的后颈,而他的手绕过来放在我的小腹上。我转过头去吻他的脸颊的时候,他的手指向下探了一点,在我的毛发上捻弄。

“I love you,” he said into my ear, and with a giggle, he pulled me beneath the surface.

“我爱你,”他在我耳边说,轻笑着把我推到了水面下。

“Glug, glug, glug, glug,” I answered, trying not to drown.

“咕噜咕噜咕噜,”我只能勉强不溺水。

We laughed and roughhoused and grappled with each other as we spun around in circles beneath the water, first him on top, then me on top, then him again, then me, like a couple of frenzied crocodiles rolling over and over, tenderizing their dinner. Arms and legs flailing, Bobby’s naked body felt wonderful squirming next to mine. His arms strong. His flesh hot and firm and heavenly.

我们在水中兜着圈子,笑着玩闹撕打,先是他在上,然后是我,然后又是他,接着我,像是一对疯狂的鳄鱼翻来覆去戏弄他们的晚餐。我们的四肢随着水波摆动着,Bobby赤裸的身体在水中有了奇妙的触感。他的手臂强壮,他的肉体滚烫、坚硬,像是天堂。

The water was glorious. Our hard-ons came back to life in about six heartbeats. It was great being twenty-five and being in love and being perpetually horny. I was pretty sure Bobby felt the same way, since he was also twenty-five. God knows he was perpetually horny. Even with the world fizzling out around us, nothing could have been finer than being naked and in love on this steamy California evening.

水中流淌着光辉。我们在六个心跳内就又硬了。处在二十五岁的当下,在一段恋爱关系中,永远性致蓬勃,这三条每一条都值得赞美。我知道Bobby肯定也这么想,因为他和我同岁。天知道他的性欲有多旺盛。即使我们周围的世界分崩离析,也没有什么能比得过如今这个热气腾腾的加利福利亚的傍晚,我们赤身坠入爱河。

Well, that and the fact we weren’t zombies. That was pretty much a plus too.

当然这也是我们不是丧尸的又一有力证明。

I wondered how long we would be able to keep it that way.

我好奇我们能保持这样的热情多久。

BEFORE that disastrous Tuesday morning when everything changed, I was a waiter at Mr. A’s, an upscale restaurant perched atop a high-rise office building just up the hill from downtown San Diego. Mr. A’s had a reputation for offering its customers a resplendent view of the city and an even greater reputation for overcharging them to the hilt for the opportunity to take advantage of said view. The joint was a bastion of snootiness: the food exquisite, the service spectacular, the prices astronomical, and as if all that wasn’t pissy enough, you couldn’t get in without a tie. If you don’t mind my saying so, being a waiter there was rather a plum job. I made more in tips in a year than a cousin of mine who lives in Kansas City made teaching school. Of course, she’s probably dead now. Or zombified. Who knows? Anyway, as I was saying, I had a good job and I was perfectly satisfied with my measly little existence. Being happily entrenched in a loving relationship with Bobby played no small part in that satisfaction.

在那个让一切都改变了的灾难般的周二早上之前,我是Mr.A的服务生。Mr.A是一家高档餐厅,位于圣地亚哥市中心山上的一幢高层办公楼的顶部。它以为顾客提供瑰丽的城市景观和为此收取高昂的费用闻名。这家店是用势利构筑的堡垒:食物精致,服务上乘,天文数字一般的价格,如果这还不够恶心——没有领带你会被禁止出入。如果你并不在意我说的这些,在那里做服务生就还算相当不错。我一年的小费比我一个住在堪萨斯做老师的表亲赚的还多。当然,她现在应该已经死了或是丧尸化了。谁知道呢。总之,就像我说的,我有一份很好的工作,而我对自己微不足道的生活感到非常满意。当然,和Bobby建立的恋爱关系在我的满足感中占了很大比重。

Bobby was considerably less enamored of his own place in the business world than I was with mine. On that eventful Tuesday morning when God took the world and stood it on its head, Bobby was earning his keep by holding down two jobs. Neither job was what you would call stellar. He was a dog walker in the evening and a San Diego Zoo snack bar clerk during the day. As he continually pointed out in his sweetly self-deprecating way, he was not exactly on the fast track to having his mug plastered across the cover of CEO Magazine. But even with all that, I think I can safely say he was, on the whole, satisfied with his life. And I like to think being happily entrenched in a loving relationship with me played no small part in that satisfaction.

相比我而言,Bobby更讨厌曾经的那个现代商业世界中自己的位置。在那个上帝接管世界的周二之前,Bobby打两份工维持生活。两份工作都和明星不沾边。他晚上代人遛狗,白天则是圣地亚哥动物园小吃店的店员。正如他不断用自嘲的说法指出的那样,他并没有走在把自己的傻脸印刷到CEO杂志封面的快车道上。但即便如此,我想我可以肯定,总体而言,他对自己的生活还是满意的,而我自认为与我相爱是其中的一个重要因素。

Simply put, we were nuts about each other.

简单来说,我们疯狂迷恋着彼此。

If I had any lingering doubts about that belief, the feel of Bobby’s stiff dick whapping me in the leg as we wrestled around in the pool and washed away the day’s miseries would have pretty well cleared it up. And if even that wasn’t enough to demonstrate the fact that we loved each other, the stiff he helped me plant in the front yard was surely more than enough to prove it. Bobby didn’t have to help me at all, you know. I had the watch. It was my turn to do the grunt work of slaughtering zombies and sticking them underground if one should happen along. Bobby just lent a hand because he loves me. That thought made my heart swell up. Rather like my dick at the moment. Only bigger, of course. And with less drippage.

如果我对此产生了怀疑,我们在泳池里交缠,洗去一天的痛苦时,Bobby硬硬的阴茎拍在我腿上的感觉就能消除它。如果这还不足以表现我们相爱,被我们埋在前院的死尸足以证明。你知道的,Bobby根本不用帮我。我有手表,如果有丧尸,那时轮到我结果它们并把它们埋到地下。Bobby帮我只是因为他爱我。这样的想法让我心甜蜜得肿胀起来,就像我此时的阴茎一样,当然,要比它更大,也少一些滴液。

Bobby and I were a team. Period. We had been a team before the world fell apart, and we were even more of a team now. As a matter of fact, now we were the only team.

Bobby和我永远是一队。在世界崩溃前是这样,现在更是如此。事实上,我们是唯一的一队了。

Ain’t love grand?

爱不是很伟大吗?

IN REPOSE, when he’s sleeping or pretending to sleep, Bobby looks a bit like a very young and very innocent Brad Pitt. In other words, handsome and sexy as hell. Blue-eyed. Trim, athletic body. Gorgeous round ass. Strong, fuzzy legs. Not much hair on the upper body, aside from a little trail of peach fuzz that travels down from his belly button until it’s lost in a swirl of blond pubic hair that surrounds a substantial, and remarkably lovely and uncut, piece of man meat. Well, you know. You had a glimpse of it earlier, when he was stroking it in the hammock. Nice, huh?

当他在睡觉或是假装在睡觉时,Bobby看起来像年轻和天真很多的布拉德皮特。换句话说,超级帅和性感。他有一双蓝眼睛、修长的身形、健美的身材、绝美的翘屁、强壮又毛茸茸的腿。他上半身毛发不重,只有一小段桃金色绒毛从肚脐往下延伸连接着一片卷曲的金色阴毛。阴毛围绕着他重要的,非常可爱又原生态的那里。好吧,你知道的。当他刚才在吊床上自渎的时候你看过的。很不错,对吧?

Currently Bobby’s sun-lightened hair was too long and usually dangled in his eyes. I didn’t mind. I loved the way it made him look. Wind-blown and perfect. Like a god. Of course, Bobby continually bitched that his locks could be so much more casually poofed if we just had electricity for five minutes a day. Lord, he missed his blow dryer.

目前Bobby阳光般的头发有些过长,常常会遮住他的眼睛。我不在意这个。我还蛮喜欢他这个造型的。风吹的正好的时候他看起来像天神一样。当然,Bobby持续不断的嘲讽我,说如果我们每天有五分钟电力,他的造型会更随意的好。他真的很想念他的吹风机。

As for myself, I’m afraid I’m a little less than godlike. Still, I’m not exactly disgusting to look at. A head taller than Bobby, I have the slim build of a long-distance runner. Long legs. Lean torso. In fact, up until about two months ago, I used to jog religiously. But that was back when the world expected that sort of thing from young gay males. Nowadays, I just dig graves to stay in shape. Or run for my life. Works like a charm too. Both of them.

而我自己就相对而言逊色了很多。当然,我并不是看起来恶心或是什么。我高出Bobby一头,我有长跑运动员所需要的纤瘦的身体。长腿,躯干上脂肪很薄。事实上,直到两个月前,我都还一直虔诚地进行规律的慢跑训练。那个时候全世界都觉得年轻的男同性恋该做这个。而现在,我依靠挖坟墓,或是逃命来保持身材。这两项工作都很不错。

My hair is dark, my eyes are brown, my skin is a little darker than Bobby’s. My body is almost hairless, except for a healthy patch of pubic hair surrounding my dick, which, in case you’re wondering, is neatly circumcised. Bobby tells me I resemble Brendan Fraser. Back when there was a Brendan Fraser. In fact, last year for a Halloween party, I donned a teeny loincloth and running shoes, while Bobby slipped into a pair of baggy blue jeans, and nothing else, after decorating himself with a few clever dabs of makeup to simulate scrapes and contusions and a horrendous black eye. He was portraying good old Brad in Fight Club, you see, and I was Brendan Fraser in George of the Jungle. We made quite the couple that night. Walked off with “Most Original Costumes” and “Most Adorable Couple.” Later, with his head under my loincloth and his blue jeans flung across a shower rod in our host’s upstairs bathroom, we had a vigorous and most memorable bout of celebratory sex. Aah. Fond memories all around.

我头发是深色的,我的眼睛是棕褐色的,我的皮肤颜色也比Bobby要深。我身上没有什么毛发,只除了围绕着阴茎的阴毛。另外,以防你想知道,我的阴茎割过包皮。Bobby说我长得像布兰登·弗雷泽,在过去有布兰登·弗雷泽这个人的时候。事实上,去年的万圣节派对上,我穿了一条小腰带和一双跑鞋,而Bobby除了一条宽松的蓝色牛仔裤意外什么也没穿。他巧妙地给自己涂了几层化妆品来模拟擦伤、挫伤以及吓人的黑眼圈。他扮的是搏击俱乐部里的老布拉德,而我是丛林里的乔治中的布兰登弗雷泽。那天晚上的我们非常成功。我们离开的时候带着“最原汁原味的服装”和“最可爱的一对”的赞誉走了。在那天晚些时候,我们进行了一次酣畅淋漓的难忘的庆祝性性行为,那时候蓝色牛仔裤被甩在了派对主人楼上洗手间的浴帘杆上,而Bobby的脑袋在我的腰带下方活动。啊,到处都是美好的回忆。

God, I love movies. Or used to. It’s one of the things I miss most about living without electricity. Bobby misses his blow dryer, and I miss my DVD player. I also miss the cappuccino machine in the Starbucks around the corner from where we used to live. But don’t get me started on that. We did try hooking up a gas-powered generator shortly after the world went dark, but since neither of us is mechanically inclined, we damn near blew ourselves up. Now, rather than trying to make electricity, we just bitch about not having it. We’re healthier for it too. But I mustn’t complain. At least I still have Bobby. And even without movies and poofy hair and four-dollar shots of caffeine, Bobby and I still have sex. Every chance we get, in fact.

我喜欢电影。或者曾经喜欢过。这是我在没有电力的世界里最怀念的事物之一了。Bobby怀念他的吹风机,而我怀念我的DVD播放机。我也怀念我们住处街角的星巴克里的卡布奇诺机器。但别让我自己去操作它。在世界刚开始变坏那会儿我们试过组装一台燃气发电机,但是我们俩没一个擅长机械,我们差点把自己炸飞。现在,相比于自己动手发电,我们更倾向于只是抱怨没有电力。我们也能活得更健康一些,但我不能抱怨。至少我仍然拥有Bobby。而就算没有电影,没有蓬松的头发和四美元的咖啡因,Bobby和我还拥有性——每一次我们有机会的时候。

Rather like this very moment.

就比如此时此刻。

Our hands were all over each other as we splashed around in the pool.

我们的手在对方身上游走,在泳池里踩着水。

You would think after I had just murdered and buried someone (or something) I wouldn’t be in the mood for fooling around. It’s a funny thing. Weeks ago, after about the third or fourth time we took a hammer to a visitor’s head, Bobby and I both agreed it didn’t bother us at all. We looked on it as taking out the trash. Only with a bit more violence and a lot more stress and mess.

你也许会觉得,我刚杀和埋了某个人(或者某个东西),我一定没心思鬼混。这件事说来有趣。在几周前,在第三或是第四回我们用锤子猛敲来客的头知乎,Bobby和我达成了共识,这件小事将不再困扰我们。我们把它当作和倒垃圾一样的小事。只是多了一点暴力和更多的压力和混乱。

I stopped thinking about visitors when Bobby hoisted me into the air and plopped me down on the edge of the pool with my legs still dangling in the water. Bobby floated there between my knees, stroking my thighs and hugging my ass and burrowing his nose into my crotch. My cock was poking straight up like a fence post and bonking him in the head, and Bobby was under it licking and nibbling away at my nuts. My toes curled and I started trembling in anticipation. God, Bobby was a good boy.

我不再去想访客的事儿了——在Bobby把我举到半空然后咚的一声把我坐到了水池边的时候。我的腿还在水里晃来晃去。鲍比漂浮在水里,在我的双膝之间,他抚摸我的大腿,抱住我的屁股,鼻子探进我的裤裆里。我的阴茎像栅栏一样直挺挺地向上戳,打在他的头上,Bobby头埋在它下面,舔舐啃咬我的阴囊。我的脚趾蜷曲起来,我开始在期待中颤抖。天哪,Bobby真好。

He smiled when he felt me trembling, and with one hand reaching up to caress my chest, he gripped my rigid cock with his other hand and tilted it toward his mouth. In less time than it takes to tell about it, my dick was totally enveloped by those satiny lips, his hot tongue stroking and circling and teasing me, as the heat of his mouth carried me away to that place where all you can do is close your eyes and pray the sensations will never stop.

当他感觉到我在战栗时,他笑了起来,伸出一只手抚摸我的胸脯,另一只手抓住我硬挺的欲望,使它向他的嘴巴倾斜。用不了多久的时间,我的阴茎就被他光滑的唇舌完全包裹了,他热腾腾的舌头抚摸着我,打着旋,戏弄着我,他嘴唇的热度把我带到了一个你唯一能做的就是闭上眼睛,祈祷这种感觉永远不会停止的地方。

Bobby stared up into my face as he savored my dick, grinning at my look of ecstasy, tweaking my nipples now and then or bringing his free hand down to cup my swollen balls. His legs clamped onto one of mine like a vise and he started humping away at my shin under the water.

鲍比帮我口的时候盯着我的脸,一边嘻笑着看我沉湎的表情,一边时不时拧拧我的乳头,或是把另一只手伸下去,揉捏我肿胀发硬的蛋蛋。他的腿像老虎钳一样夹在我的腿上,开始在水下磨蹭起我的小腿。

I steered his mouth back over my dick and lay back onto the apron of the pool, my hips moving to the rhythm of his lips circling me, sucking me, taking me closer and closer to climax with every passing second and every worshipping stroke. I knew I should be reciprocating, but God, I was in such heaven I couldn’t move. Except for my dick and my hips. They were moving plenty.

我引导着把我的欲望塞回他嘴边,躺倒在泳池的围护上,我的屁股随着他嘴巴的画圈和吮吸有节奏的移动,每一秒每一次抽插都让我离高潮更近。我知道我应该回报他,但是天哪,在这样天堂般的享受里我实在是懒得动,只除了我的老二和我的屁股,他们正在大量的运动中。

Bobby was still humping my leg and I was getting that “uh-oh, I’m getting close” feeling, when Bobby let out a gasp, and even under the water I could feel his hot come shooting across my leg.

Bobby还在撞击我的腿,而当Bobby喘了口气的空档,我有了“哦,要到了”的感觉,哪怕是在水下,我也能感受到他滚烫的精液射在了我的腿周围。

That’s all it took.

就这些。

My own come erupted out of me like a spray of fireworks, splattering Bobby’s throat, ricocheting off the roof of his mouth, slipping and sliding down his gullet. He pulled away for a moment to take a desperate breath of air and my come spurted across his face and into his hair. He laughed and brought his mouth back down to finish the job properly.

我的精液像烟花一样喷出来,溅射在Bobby的喉咙上,从他的上颚反弹开来,顺着他的食道滑下去。 他扭过头去,绝望地吸了一口气,我的精液从他的脸上喷到他的头发上。 他大笑,把嘴巴放回去,好好地把活干完。

My hips were arched, my butt cheeks so tightly clamped together, I thought I’d get a muscle cramp and be crippled for life, or else a diamond was going to pop out of my ass, one or the other, and as the last drops of semen shot from my cock and into that heavenly hot receptacle, which was still eagerly and hungrily sucking away for all it was worth, I gave a final thrust upward and collapsed back with a groan of contentment onto the hot concrete.

我的屁股拱起,屁股瓣紧紧地贴在一起,我想我会肌肉痉挛直到终生残疾,或者一颗又一颗钻石会从我的屁股里蹦出来,当最后一滴精液从我的老二射入那个天堂般温热的,仍然在急切地、饥渴地吮吸着的容器时,我最后向上一推,然后倒在滚烫的水泥地上,发出一声心满意足的呻吟。

Bobby gently played his hands across my stomach as his mouth continued to taste and suckle and coax until I could feel my cock soften and slide from between his lips. With a sigh of contentment, Bobby pushed his nose into my groin and just lay there like that, floating in the water between my legs. He still gave my shin an occasional hump as he continued to breathe in the scent of me, still relishing the taste of my come inside his mouth, still letting that secretive little smile twist the corners of his mouth.

鲍比轻轻地用手抚摸着我的肚子,他的嘴一直在品尝、吮吸、哄骗着我,直到我感觉到我的老二变软,从他的嘴唇间滑出。 鲍比满足地叹了口气,把鼻子探进我的腹股沟,就那样躺在那儿,在我两腿之间的水上漂浮着。 他继续闻着我的味道勃起并磨蹭我的小腿,还在享受着我进入他嘴里的味道,让那神秘的微笑挂在嘴角。

I knew from long experience this was Bobby’s favorite part of sex. The aftermath. The gentle unwinding. The snuggling and savoring of juices. The remembering.

根据我的长期经验,我知道这是鲍比在性爱中最喜欢的环节。 余波、 温柔的放松、依偎、品尝汁液。 回忆。

I reached down to stroke his hair as he buried his nose between my balls.

当他把鼻子埋在我的蛋蛋之间时我伸手揉他的头发。

He kissed me there. Sweetly. Like you might kiss a favorite aunt on the cheek. Then Bobby’s tongue came out and licked away an errant drop of come. You usually don’t do that to aunts. Favorites or otherwise. At least not in my family. Back when I had a family.

他非常甜蜜的吻我那儿,就像亲吻一个最喜欢的阿姨的脸颊。 然后博比伸出舌头舔掉了一滴渗出的的液体——你通常不会对阿姨做这样的事情,不管是喜欢的还是不喜欢的。至少在我的家庭里是这样。 我是说当我还有家庭的时候。

When the sun began to pound down on us a bit more cruelly than either of us liked, Bobby pulled his face out of my crotch and looked up across the expanse of my tummy and chest and asked with a contented sigh, “You ready for dinner?”

当太阳开始愈发残酷地照射到我们身上时,鲍比从我的裤裆那里抬起头来,越过我的肚子和胸膛看我,满足地叹了口气,问道: “准备好吃晚饭了吗? ”

I touched his cheek and was about to say “Sure,” when we were suddenly interrupted by what sounded like a snarling, spitting, slavering creature from hell. Don’t you hate those? Bobby and I jumped about two feet straight up into the air. The damn thing came at us like a Mack truck, barreling through the backdoor from somewhere inside the house. Its toenails clattered madly on the wooden deck, then changed to a higher clattery pitch when they hit the concrete surrounding the pool. From there, the animal leapt into the air and headed straight for us, slobbers flying every which way, a thin trail of runny poop squirting out its back end with every bark and growl and snap and snarl. Yuk. Suddenly I wasn’t so hot on the dinner idea. Assuming we lived that long.

我摸了摸他的脸颊,正要说“当然可以”时,突然被一个听起来像是来自地狱的咆哮、吐痰、流口水的生物的声音打断了。 你能不讨厌这些吗? 鲍比和我直接跳了大约两英尺高。 那该死的东西从房子里的某个地方穿过后门,像一辆麦克卡车一样向我们冲过来。 它的爪子在木饰平台板上摩擦发出疯狂的咔哒咔哒的声音,踩在游泳池周围的混凝土时,又变成了调更高的咔哒咔哒。 从那个地方,这只动物跃上空中,径直向我们飞来,到处都是口水,伴随着它的每一声吠叫、咆哮、猛咬和龇牙都有一条稀粪从它的尾部喷出。 恶心。 突然之间,我对晚餐不再那么热切了。 假设我们还能活到晚餐时间。

God only knows where the beast came from. We had been in the mansion for two weeks and, trust me, if we had noticed any slavering hounds from hell lingering in the cupboards or under the stairs, we would have vacated the joint before now.

天知道这野兽是从哪里来的。我们在这栋豪宅里带了两个多星期,相信我,如果我们注意到有地狱猎犬在橱柜里或是在楼梯下徘徊,我们早就会去清理了。

Of course, this wasn’t your typical hound from hell. In fact, for all the enthusiasm it was demonstrating, it was actually a pretty pathetic example. Seeing as how it was so cute and all. Or probably was once. It had been (in life) a French poodle. And a small French poodle, at that. A white one. There was still a tinge of pink about its haunches where the mistress (or gay-as-hell master) had had the unfortunate animal dipped in food coloring, or whatever the hell it is rich people use to humiliate their poor beasts and turn them various colors of the rainbow. A pink bow was still knotted between its ears. It hung there bloodied and limp. A rhinestone collar dangled around the animal’s neck with colored gems that glimmered and sparkled in the sunlight. Under its chin, the sparklies spelled out the word MIMI.

当然,这不是你熟知的那种地狱犬。实际上,尽管它表现出了极大的热情,它实际上是个可悲的例子。看它是多么的可爱,或者是曾经多么可爱。它曾经是一条法国贵宾犬,还是一只白色的小狗。它的屁股上还有一点粉红色,显然是女主人(或者是gay主人)让这只不幸的动物浸在了食用色素或是别的有钱人用来羞辱这些可怜的动物好让它们变成不同色彩的不管是什么的东西里。一只粉色的蝴蝶结还系在它的两只耳朵之间血糊糊地歪斜地挂着。一个水钻项圈挂在它脖子上,项圈上面镶嵌着彩色宝石在阳光下闪闪发光,拼出了MIMI这个词。

Funny. Except for the remnants of red toenail polish and that stupid collar and that pathetically filthy bow, she didn’t look like a Mimi. Her eyeballs were bloodshot, with goop running down from the corners like you see on dogs that have one foot in the grave and the other three on banana peels. Her coat was matted with globs of some sort of vile substance, like maybe she had been rolling around in the refuse pile at the local butcher shop and feeding on the intestinal rejects.

除了残留的红色指甲油和愚蠢的项圈,她看起来并不像一个咪咪。她的眼球充血,从眼角流下来的粘液就像是你在一只脚踏进坟墓另外三只脚踩在香蕉皮上的狗身上看到的一样。她的皮毛缠结成球块,沾满了邪恶可鄙的东西,好像是她曾在肉食店的垃圾堆滚来滚去好在肠道排泄物里找吃的一样。

My first instinct was to laugh. But that didn’t last long.

我的第一反应是大笑,但这念头没有维持多久。

What Mimi lacked in size, she more than made up for in attitude. And she did seem to have an inordinate number of pointy yellow teeth snapping away in that cute little homicidal face, so I thought it prudent to scurry back into the pool with Bobby to get away from the creature.

虽然咪咪体型很小,但她的态度足以弥补这一缺憾。 而且她那张可爱的杀人小脸上确实长着数不清的尖尖的黄牙,不停地咬着,所以我觉得和鲍比一起冲回到泳池里好躲开那个生物是明智的选择。

Bobby and I dogpaddled into deeper water, safely away from the edge. And we didn’t dawdle about it either.

鲍比和我一起划进了更深的水里,安全地离开了边缘。 我们也没有浪费时间。

“It’s just one thing after another, isn’t it?” Bobby wryly commented. “Now insane poodles are trying to kill us.” His eyes were still bright and his cheeks still flushed from sex. Or maybe it was from Mimi’s sudden, heart-stopping appearance. Who the hell knew?

“事情一件接着一件,不是吗? ” 鲍比挖苦道。 “现在疯狂的贵宾犬想要杀死我们。” 他的眼睛仍然明亮,他的脸颊仍然因为性而发红。 又或者可能是因为咪咪的样子实在是能让人心脏骤停。 谁他妈知道?

“Should I kill it?” I asked.

“我该杀了它吗?”我问。

Bobby looked at me like a palm tree had just sprouted out of my forehead. “Well, of course you should kill it! I’ll wait here. Do hurry.”

Bobby看向我,好像我的额头上刚长出了一棵棕榈树。“你当然应该杀了它!我会在这里等你,快点。”

Hmm. I looked down at myself drifting there in the water, naked, soaking wet, and about as unarmed as a person can get. And it wasn’t the first time I had found myself in this predicament.

嗯。 我低头看着自己,漂浮在水中,全身赤裸,浑身湿透,手无寸铁。 这并不是我第一次发现自己陷入这种困境。

“How many times have I told you, Robert Randolph Greene, we need to get ourselves a gun?”

“罗伯特 · 伦道夫 · 格林,我跟你说过多少次了,我们需要搞把枪? ”

Bobby groaned as he treaded water, like I had already mentioned this a thousand times before, which indeed I had. “I hate guns,” he declared, also for the thousandth time. “One of us will end up accidentally shooting himself in the foot, then he’ll die a slow miserable death from blood poisoning because there aren’t any doctors around, in case you hadn’t noticed, and then the other one will be left all alone in a world full of fucking zombies. Is that what you want?”

博比一边踩水一边咕哝抱怨着,就像我之前已经提过了无数次似的(我确实这样)。 “我讨厌枪,”他也第一千次重申。 “我们中的一个一定会意外地射中自己的脚然后慢慢地死于血液中毒,友情提醒以防你没注意到,因为周围没有任何医生。然后另一个会孤零零地留在一个充满他妈的僵尸的世界里。 这就是你想要的吗? ”

I felt the urge to get huffy. “Well, compared to the possibility of being eaten by a zombie-ass poodle, getting shot in the foot doesn’t actually sound so bad. At least it’s butch!”

我感到一种要发脾气的冲动。 “相对于被丧尸贵宾吃掉的可能性,脚部中弹的死法听起来并不是那么糟糕。 至少它是爷们儿的! ”

“Butch smutch. What if I’m the one who gets shot and you end up having to masturbate all by your lonesome for the rest of your life because I’m not there to carry the weary load?” He stuck his face into my neck and cooed apologetically, “Not that I mind carrying that weary load, precious.” Then he looked me in the eye again and nailed me with a steely glare. If we hadn’t been floundering in the water, he would probably have been impatiently tapping his foot with his fists stuck on his hips like Mrs. Butterworth. Did I mention that Bobby is a wee bit effeminate at times? “Well, Charles Millburn Pickett?” he annoyingly persisted. “How would you like that? Solo sex for the rest of your life! And no more blow jobs!”

“男子汉斯马奇。 如果我是那个中枪的人,而你却因为我不在而孤独地一辈子只能打飞机,那该怎么办? ” 他把脸贴在我的脖子上,略带歉意地说: “宝贝,我并不介意背负着这么沉重的包袱。” 然后他又看着我的眼睛,用钢铁般的目光盯着我。 如果我们没有在水里挣扎,他可能会像巴特沃思太太一样,拳头扶在屁股上,不耐烦地用脚打拍子。 我有没有说过鲍比有时候有点娘娘腔? “嗯,查尔斯 · 米尔本 · 皮克特? ” 他不厌其烦地坚持。 “你觉得怎么样? 在你的余生中只有左手相伴! 再也没有人给你口了! ”

I tried not to grin. “Okay. You’ve proved your point. And please don’t use my middle name again. You promised you wouldn’t, you know.”

我尽量不露齿假笑。 “好吧。 你已经阐明了你的观点。 请不要再喊我的中间名了。 你答应过我不会的,你知道的。”

He tried to look contrite, but it wasn’t very convincing. “Sorry. Forgot.”

他试图表现出忏悔的样子,但是没有什么说服力。 “对不起, 忘了。”

I gazed across the water at Mimi, spitting and snarling and pooping and shaking her bling and looking like she was about to dive headfirst into the pool like a pissed-off Greg Louganis throwing an Olympic-sized fruit snit. “So how do we kill this bitch? I’d like to get out of the pool sometime today. I’m starting to prune.”

我隔着水凝视着咪咪,她不停地吐口水、咆哮、喷粪,抖动着她的装饰,看起来就像一个生气的格雷格 · 洛加尼斯扔一个奥运会标准大小的水果蛋糕一样,正准备头朝下跳进游泳池。 “那么我们怎么才能杀死这个碧池呢? 我想在今天的某个时候离开游泳池。 我开始脱水了。”

Bobby rolled his eyes. “God, it’s always something with you. Help me dig this grave. I want a gun. I’m starting to prune. Don’t stop, I’m going to come.” Here he relented. “Well, okay. I begged for that last one.”

博比翻了个白眼。 “天哪,你总是出状况。 帮我挖这个坟墓。 我要一把枪。 我开始脱水了。 不要停,我就要到了。” 在这一点上,他让步了。 “好吧,好吧。 最后一个是我求着要的。”

“You sure did.” I smiled and felt a stirring in my crotch. Boy, that didn’t take long.

“你确实做到了。” 我微笑着,感觉到胯部有一股骚动。 好家伙,才没过多久呢。

It seemed awfully quiet all of a sudden. I tried to push sex out of my mind as I looked over once again at the demon dog. Mimi seemed to have lost her train of thought. She was sitting at the edge of the pool licking her snatch. With all the horrible stuff that had been shooting out of her back end, from a health perspective at least, she should have probably rethought that urge. On the other hand, she was already dead. What’s it going to do—kill her?

突然之间,一切都显得异常安静。 我试图把性从我的脑海中赶走,因为我又一次看了看那只恶魔狗。 咪咪似乎失去了她的思路。 她坐在池边舔着她的小弟弟。 至少从健康的角度来看,有那么多可怕的东西从她的后脑勺喷射出来,她可能应该重新考虑一下那种冲动。 另一方面,她已经死了。 它能做什么? 杀了她吗?

“If you had saved an arm from that guy you buried earlier, or a foot, we could have used it to play fetch, and while Mimi was fetching the body part, we could have made a run for the house.”

“如果你从你先前埋葬的那个家伙那里留了一只胳膊,或者一只脚,我们就可以用它来玩巡回游戏,当咪咪去捡尸块的时候,我们就可以跑回屋子了。”

“Sorry. Didn’t think. I’ll saw something off the next one.”

“对不起。 没想到。 下一次我会提前预知的。”

Bobby tsked. “You always say that, but you never do.”

Bobby阴阳怪气。“你总是这么说,但你从没那么做。”

Mimi gave herself a good shake and stopped licking her zombified twat long enough to look around and see where she was. She appeared to have forgotten. Zombies are pretty stupid. All of them. Bugs, people, pussycats, dogs. Bobby and I had noticed that right off the bat. It didn’t make killing them any easier, but it did make outwitting them a breeze. Even for us. And we weren’t exactly Mensa material.

咪咪甩了甩自己,然后不再舔那个丧尸化的阴道,仔细地看看周围好确认自己在哪里。 她似乎忘记了。 丧尸都是相当愚蠢的。 所有的一切。 虫子、人、猫、狗。 博比和我一开始就注意到了这一点。 这并没有让杀死他们变得更容易,但的确让智取他们变得轻而易举——即使是对我们这种显然不是门萨的料的人来说。

Finally, Mimi’s gaze drifted out across the pool to where our two heads were poking up out of the water. She took in the sight of us, blinked, squirted another bit of crap onto the edge of the pool as sort of an afterthought, and dove right in after us. As she sailed through the air, her ugly yellow teeth were snapping like those wind-up dentures kids play with. Snap-snap-snap-snap. A no-nonsense snarl rumbled like thunder in her throat. She seemed to have regained her sense of purpose. It’s always disheartening when zombies do that.

最后,咪咪的目光扫过游泳池,看到我们两个的头探出水面。 她看着我们,眨了眨眼睛,又不假思索往池边喷了一点屎,然后就跟在我们后面跳进池子。 当她在空中飞行时,她丑陋的黄色牙齿像孩子们玩耍的发条假牙一样啪啪作响。 咔哒-咔哒-咔哒-咔哒。 咆哮像雷声一样在她喉咙里隆隆作响。 她似乎又恢复了使命感。 丧尸这样做时总是令人沮丧。

Bobby and I were halfway to the other side of the pool before Mimi hit the water. And we didn’t get there with any sense of panache either. Nothing like terror to get your ass moving.

在咪咪掉进水里之前,我和鲍比已经快到游泳池的另一边了。 我们到达那里也没有任何炫耀的感觉。 没有什么比恐惧更能让你动起来了。

We scrambled over the edge of the pool, screaming like little girls, water flying everywhere, dicks and assholes pointing off in every direction imaginable, bare feet slapping the flagstones as we hightailed it to the house hand in hand.

我们爬到泳池另一边,像小女孩一样尖叫,水飞溅到各个地方,阴茎指向任何你可以想象的方向。我们赤脚手拉手飞跑回屋子里。

We flew through the patio doors, slammed them shut behind us, and turned to see what had happened to our tormentor.

我们飞快地跑过露台门,砰的一声把门带上,然后转身去看折磨我们的家伙怎么了。

The pool was empty.

泳池里空空如也。

All that was left of Mimi, the demon poodle from hell, was a trail of little wet doggy footprints heading off toward the cabana.

咪咪,这只来自地狱的恶魔贵宾犬,只留下一串湿漉漉的小狗脚印,朝着小屋走去。

“She’s had a stressful day,” Bobby commented. “Maybe she’s off to browse a gay romance novel while nursing a banana daiquiri and unwinding in the Jacuzzi. Girls love that shit.”

“她今天压力很大”Bobby说。“也许她应该去翻翻耽美小说,一边享用香蕉代基里鸡尾酒,一边在按摩浴缸里放松。。女孩子都喜欢这些。”

“Hope she drowns,” I said.

“希望她淹死,”我说。

Bobby tsked again. “Well, my goodness, aren’t you the grump today.”

Bobby又啧了一次。“天哪,你今天脾气真暴。”

# 英耽

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